It's No Secret: the Latest Event Series is Lame

Back in the 80s, I read the Secret Wars limited series and freakin' loved it.  It was so exciting and so many exciting things came out of it:  Spider-Man got his black symbiote costume, The Thing stayed behind on Battleworld and got his own series, She-Hulk joined the Fantastic Four, etc.  Not only was the series unique and interesting, but Secret Wars action figures came out of it.  There were characters I had never had or seen before to play with!  Yes, they were pretty cheaply made with no points of articulation, but still it felt revolutionary.

A couple of years later came Secret Wars II, which was just plain farcical with the Beyonder in his white Miami Vice leisure suit. 

After the most recent shitty Marvel event series, AXIS, I was really looking forward to the new Secret Wars series.  I finally read Secret Wars #1 (2015) and all I have to say is, "Huh?"  What the fuck was that?  Seriously.  What the fuck was that?  I don't even know what the hell happened.  It felt like I was picked up and plopped down in the middle of something going on -- a battle of some sorts on Earth -- and I'm supposed to enjoy that and follow along?   Did I miss the introduction?  This was the first issue, correct?  

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  It was written by Jonathan Hickman after all, who has previously turned me away from his storytelling on Fantastic Four and the Avengers.  There's no character development.  No character interaction.  No enjoyable/followable plot.  It's just battle after battle after pointless battle, like watching Man of Steel on repeat.  And while his comics always have more word balloons than most comics, they don't really say anything.  The dialogue doesn't feel real or seem to come naturally to the characters speaking it.  The characters are always telling what is happening, when the pages should naturally just "show" it without explanation and the extraneous wording. 

After reading the latest Secret Wars #1, I can only guess that the rest of the series will be equally boring and pointless, much like every Marvel event series that has recently preceded it.  Wake me when the Marvel Universe is over.